If Scotty From Star Trek Worked in Today's IT

Interesting discussion going on over at Slashdot today with the link here.  In general, some IT analyst is claiming that IT failures are costing companies 6.2 trillion a year in GDP.  For those of you keeping score at home, that’s just under ten percent of total world GDP.  As usual, most of the IT people on the site are calling bullshit much as I did when I saw the article.  If interested, the report can be found here (pdf) by Roger Sessions.

I’m amazed that Mr. Sessions has the stones to even suggest the numbers he does.  His belief is that there is a huge impact with what he calls “lost opportunity cost” which he calculates at a staggering 7.5 times the cost of the initial project.  This is a lot of assumption on his part, mostly fear mongering.  Most of the projects I’ve been involved in do not promise a return of what he suggests is between five and ten times the cost of the project.  Sadly, the rest of his paper about simplifying IT complexity is lost in his specious numbers and logical fallacies.

The whole thing did get me thinking though about what would happen if Scotty from Star Trek worked in today’s IT where the most sinister enemies out there are not the Klingons or Romulans, but usually the Accounting department.  I think it would go something like this.

Scotty gets an order to upgrade the computer systems of the Enterprise.  Using Scotty’s Maxim which stipulates that you over-estimate the time involved to enact a repair by three times the initial estimate, Scotty says it’s going to take three weeks.  He knows that it will likely take just one, but he builds in wiggle room and the opportunity to be a “miracle worker”.  Scotty’s boss is not James T. Kirk anymore, but the CFO of the Enterprise called Mr. Henderson.  Mr. Henderson asks how much it’s going to cost.

This concept is foreign to Scotty as he’s never paid for a thing in his life seeing the United Federation of Planets is a socialist utopia.  He’s now in an alternate universe where the UFP is in a stalwart capitalist economy.  Fortunately for Scotty, he’s in Star Fleet which gives him some market power, but not as much as you would think.  Scotty realizes that in Star Fleet alone, there are thousands of engineers out there who desire ship upgrades and the competition for these allotments are stiff.  Doing a little bit of research, Scotty determines that the parts alone will cost three million credits.  He’s called into one of several meetings about the new upgrade project where he’s asked to present the costs of the upgrades, which Scotty dutifully reports.  He’s then excused from the meeting by Mr. Henderson as he and the others in the room discuss feasibility issues with the project.  It should be noted that two weeks have already passed.

Scotty is confused.  In the past, this would have been simple.  He would be given an order and as chief engineer, he’d make it happen.  Now it’s been run over by people he’s never met before who don’t understand the technology behind the project.  Scotty is called into another meeting where he’s asked to not only bring time estimates but also how many man hours will be needed and who will he require.  This is good for Scotty because it’s right up his alley and he walks into the meeting with confidence.  Rather than getting right to the nuts and bolts of the project, Mr. Henderson asks just why is the upgrade needed and necessary and if there was someway that Scotty could provide a return on investment estimate.  Mr. Henderson is weary that the numbers of man hours seem excessive and that the personnel needed for the project could impact other areas of the ship.  He also thinks that three million for parts costs is too much and asks Scotty to shop around for a better deal.  The door opens and Kirk enters and has a seat.

Scotty’s asked to justify the project to both of them.  He goes in a detailed explanation of how the computer systems are out of date and explains the technologically dense reasons why having incompatible systems with the rest of Star Fleet is a problem.  Kirk nods his head.  Mr. Henderson excuses Scotty from the room with a curt thanks for Scotty’s time.

A day later, Scotty is brought into another meeting.  Mr. Henderson is there with two other people who clearly not Star Fleet members and wearing the latest fashions.  The two other people also look incredibly smug.  Mr. Henderson explains that these are consultants and have pitched to do the upgrade in half the time and cost.

*Let me cut to the end as you can see where this is going*

It is several months later.  Scotty has gone nuts.  He’s also in the brig for punching one of the consultants.  Also, in having to shop for parts to get within the constricted budget for the upgrade, Scotty has been visited by an unscrupulous Orion who made him “an offer he couldn’t refuse” and now is in debt to the interstellar mob.  Mr. Henderson has laid the failure of the computer upgrade project at Scotty’s feet and is threatening dire consequences.  Mr. Henderson has also absolved himself from any responsibility in the failure of the computer upgrade.  Several more meetings are held with various members of the crew to figure out how it ended up over budget, late and virtually inoperable.  The consultants are gone and with them, a virtual raft of credits.

The computer system is “upgraded” and now only speaks in Andorian.  This has made the only Andorian on board, a cook’s assistant, a vital crew member and default command crew.  Because of necessity, the Andorian can also never leave the bridge.  The Andorian’s quarters are now a small cot near the science station on the bridge.  Kirk is pretty peeved about the whole thing, but understands little of the technology involved and is not sure who he wants to throw out an airlock.  The ship also seems “slower” than before.

Scotty wonders why he got into IT in the first place.