A CONvergence Voting Tragedy

Where was Jimmy Carter when you needed him?  I mean, really needed him.

Not since Sadaam Hussain’s final “democratic” vote have we seen such blatant voter fraud, almost reaching the vaunted levels of South Carolina primaries.  This year at CONvergence, it was a three way race (isn’t it always) between Ming the Merciless, the Wicked Witch of the West and Captain Hook.

This was really seen as a two way race between Ming and the Wicked Witch, as Hook was absolutely Naderian, circa 2004.  Hook was about as much of a non-factor as could be reliably determined from a “villain” whose nemesis happened to be a “boy” who wouldn’t grow up.  Predictably, his campaign quickly moved from high minded ideals to low budget porn.  It was a bold campaign and one in other years may have resulted in actual votes.  However, the overriding theme of pants-less Hook didn’t really connect with the evilness theme and Hook got…well, I’ll let you fill in the obvious pun.

Ming - Also Ming (h/t http://blog.thinklynsen.com/)

In the two way fight of Ming versus the Witch, it seemed that Ming clearly had the better, slicker campaign.  His Hot Hail campaign slogan seemed to catch fire early, winning over the remaining voters.  Campaign posters of Ming/also Ming told voters just what to expect.  No coat tails, no hangers-on, just Ming.  It seemed to be a winning strategy.  The Wicked Witch of the West had…well, that’s just it.  I can’t remember seeing any campaigning or associated posters asking for our vote for her.  Ming seemed to have it all; he had a smart campaign likely run by loyal lackey General Klytus, a nice button, a good run in the supervillian smackdown and some sort of impossible weather control machine.  While the Witch had flying monkeys and moxie, it can only take you so far.  Flying monkeys vs. hot hail?  Ming wins again!

It is then that I noticed the rampant, even blatant voter fraud occurring before my very eyes.  Ah, yes.  One person, one vote sounds very well and fair until you go to the polls themselves.  In addition to your one vote, more could be garnered by throwing bean bags at a ridiculously close target.  Potentially, an additional six votes were available to vote as how you please, although two or three more votes were more likely.  As I was going through the line with my four votes in hand, the poll worker complemented me on my shirt.  In a strange offer, I was asked to pick the color blue in honor of my friend or orange in honor of my shirt, I picked blue and was awarded yet another vote.  The poll worker then offered me yet another vote as he really did like my shirt.

The coup de gras of the voting process happened at the end of the line where an attractive poll worker offered to “push her arms slightly together to show a bit of cleavage with her leather bodice” for a dollar.  In the interests of journalism, I purchased that vote…at least once.  My eight votes were cast for Ming, the should-be runaway winner of the contest.

When I overheard the announcement of the winner, I had believed my booze haze had played a trick on me, but further investigation had proved that the Witch had won!  How from the jaws of victory does Ming snatch defeat?  It was then that I realized that violent voter fraud had skewed the result and I am sure that the news delivered to Ming came much like a rocket to the crotch.  However, I will say that Ming will rise again!  Once he realizes that his secret weapon is not hot hail but a gentle rain shower, Ming will prove victorious.

All hail Ming!